There was a day a few weeks ago when I was just so deep in my head about everything going on in life. The housing market, the money, the timing, and the uncertainty of everything. I had been sitting with all of it for too long, and I was not getting any closer to an answer. I was just getting further and further from my actual life.

I walked out to the patio, looked at the empty pots, and felt sad, like I was deeply missing something. I had been trying to save the space. Waiting to see what would happen. Treating this spring kind of like a placeholder, waiting to make any real changes. I sure did miss my patio garden.

That day I said fuck it, and went and bought plants.

There is no better feeling than walking the aisles of the garden center on a sunny Spring morning! My only goal for this trip was to buy what made me smile or feel pulled to (if within the budget, of course!).

I started with some annuals; the colors pulled me in right away. I picked some gorgeous bright marigolds, yellow celosias, pink geraniums, purple verbena, and bright pink and red daisies.

I also found a thriving citronella plant that smells heavenly. Perfect for the side table to ward off the misquotes.

Herbs also found their way into my cart, of course. I decided I might as well get the kitchen herb garden started. Dill, thyme, rosemary, and sage are what we are starting with, and one pablano pepper. We will see if that list grows in the upcoming weeks.

By the time I was done, my fingernails were dirty, and my mind had finally quieted down, and the patio looked like someone actually lived there.

We are still figuring things out. The move we have been planning for so long is seeming more uncertain each day. The housing market is what it is. We are learning to ride the waves of uncertainty and being okay with it. The grass is greener where you water anyway, right?

That’s what I had seemed to be getting wrong coming into this season.

I had been treating the uncertainty like a reason to hold things back. Not planting too much or anything at all because I might not be here to tend to it. Not being able to make plans because I did not know what the summer would look like. Getting things done but still feeling a bit checked out in my own life.

“Sometimes you just do it anyway, and that actually is the whole point.”

There is a version of that in which it is proactive, and another that asks you whether what you’re doing actually feels right.

A missed week of posting, time that seemed to magically disappear, the general weight of things you cannot control. None of these things are unusual; it’s what real life looks like sometimes.

What I keep coming back to is that tending is what snaps me back. To the patio. To writing. To myself. The morning watering, Spring weather and beautiful colors have already added back so much that I was missing.

I planted them not knowing whether they would be moved in a few weeks, left for someone else to love, or tended by me this upcoming summer. Sometimes you just do it anyway, and that actually is the whole point.